Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
