I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
