My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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