this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
