Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
