omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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