I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
