why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize