Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
