She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
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