I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize