so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So much rum. So many feels.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
