When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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