I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
