when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
