Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
