What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
