I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
