when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize