It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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