census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
