Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
