my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
