Pregnant stripper...not hot.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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