you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
