So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
i've created a new STD.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
