I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
