I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize