If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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