I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize