fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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