The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
His nipple licking is glorious
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