wakey wakey hands off snakey
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Randomize
