I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
