my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
