Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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