I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
