Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
