1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
