i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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