A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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