My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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