I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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