i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
