Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
