The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
