I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
