You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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