he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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