my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize