I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
