Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Randomize
