Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
