I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
