apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
