i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
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