He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
