i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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