i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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