I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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