My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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