Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I need to calm my uterus...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
