just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
